It may be unintentional, yet it is an appropriate coincidence that Breast Cancer Awareness and Domestic Violence Awareness are both highlighted annually in the month of October. Each have signs and symptoms that if unrecognized and/or left untreated, can cost a person their life.

The medical and professional literature clearly states and warns that ‘early detection is key’. In domestic violence, they are called “red flags”. When it comes to breast cancer, we are reminded to get our screenings and to do monthly self-examinations taking note of anything that appears and/or feels out of order. With domestic violence, we screen by keeping our finger on the pulse of our intimate partner relationships, not looking for flaws or problems, but assuring that love, goodness, and kindness are at the center. The context may differ according to the discipline being addressed, but the circumstances that begs our attention and intervention is consistent between the two.

The oldest domestic violence survivor that I worked with was an 88 years old African American woman. The youngest victim I had, never made it out of the womb alive. And as I reckon with the gravity of such intense and extreme realities, I must pause, place my hand over my heart and take a series of deep breaths to ground and steady myself so that I can continue with the appropriate balance of intellect, professionalism, and emotion.

As I began to write, I debated how deeply I would delve into the details and experiences of survivors and victims, and whether or not I would specify the race, ethnicity, name, etcetera. Also being mindful to not breach any confidentiality or compromise the ethics and integrity of my profession and professionalism by referencing intimate information I have been made privy to. Questioning and considering what would have been the goal and what is the purpose for having done so?

In this instance however, I decided it was right to identify this woman by her name, allowing it and her to be representative of the masses of people, women in particular, who have been victimized by domestic violence. Name her with the dignity of visibility because, as with too many survivors, they remain faceless, nameless, hidden, and dismissed. And for this reason, I have chosen to call on the spirit and the name of Ms. Pauline. She deserves to be remembered, she deserves to be seen and her story deserves to be known without the gaudiness or gawking’s of sensationalism, but for the mere fact and acknowledgement that she existed. Her life had value and meaning despite never making the headlines, a byline, a footnote, or ever being mentioned in any news report. She is part of this teaching moment. I call her name – Ms. Pauline, Ms. Pauline, Ms. Pauline.

As with breast cancer, domestic violence is an insidious disease that generally creeps in without a lot of noise or fuss. No grand gestures. Often, by the time it is detected, it has managed to burrow itself into the body, mind, heart, and/or spirit and has begun the process of eroding the well-being of its intended victim. That is part of what makes it so lethal. Most of us would run the other way from a burning building, but in the case of domestic violence, often it is mistaken, deceptive in its’ presentation, or disguised as harmless heat or an appropriate amount of passion. That is until you begin to see and feel the lick of the flames and realize that you are caught in a blaze that’s moving towards becoming an inferno. Hard to think, breath, and more important, to get out. Seemingly trapped. And while the victim may be frantically seeking an escape, the perpetrator continues to stoke the fire, keeping the exit obscured from view. ***Please understand, though succinctly stated, by no means is this depiction meant to trivialize, minimize, or oversimplify the complexities of domestic violence. And it is intentional that I used the analogy of one being encased in a fire as an example of the experience. ***

When I met Ms. Pauline in the hospital, she was wearing a neck brace that was too big for her frail and tiny neck. She told me that she never had any children and didn’t have any family or friends as she had been separated from them many years prior. So she spent many alone and desperate years living within a loveless, violent, and abusive marriage. Isolated, paralyzed by fear, shamed into silence, deprived of human dignity and basic necessities. But though afraid after years of being terrorized, finally and when asked, Ms. Pauline spoke. And fortunately, through an astute and caring physician during a hospital visit, the truth of her circumstances was discovered, correctly identified, and ultimately and finally, she was set free from the bondage of him.

As a Domestic Violence Specialist, I have seen and worked with women, men, teens, seniors, heterosexuals, gays, and lesbians. They have included doctors, nurses, corporate executives, welfare recipients, unemployed, under-employed and independently wealthy persons. From meager living circumstances to lush, green, well-manicured lawned homes. Patients on the cancer ward and those in the cardiac wing or maternity floor. Friends, acquaintances, and strangers. The list is unfortunately almost inexhaustive. And though some may think that they are immune or better protected than others based on age, race, ethnicity, socio-economic status, and true that there are there are systemic realities such as classism, racism, and ageism, which may shield some survivors, these pernicious diseases of breast cancer and domestic violence, leaves no segment of the population untouched.

The last time I saw Ms. Pauline, she was sitting up in the chair of a nursing home, watching tv and enjoying a snack. I noted that she had put on weight and had this healthy glow emanating from her face and her spirit. She happily spoke of the wonderful care she was receiving and how nice everybody was to her. We gave his end a sentence with a period and moved on. She wasn’t bitter or angry, she was peaceful, and she was safe.

National Domestic Violence Hotline – 1-800-799-SAFE(7233)

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence https://www.ncadv.org