Join with us as we courageously examine the details of being a Woman
So there I was on the table, legs gapped wide open and feet in the stirrups while the GYN (said my goodbyes to the OB some time ago) did his pelvic exam which included my pap smear. Now I don't know about you, but for all of the years I have had to endure the humiliation of this position and the discomfort of the instrument that went from metal to plastic, yes the speculum, I have never gotten over my distaste for vaginal examinations. And it didn't matter how many years I saw the same doctor and nervously or self-consciously chatted through the process, I absolutely hated this bi/annual/as needed exam. But I took care of my business.
Anyway, on this particular day during the exam, the doctor pretty matter-of-factly states to me, "Your cervix is going away". I was stunned!!!!! Didn't know what to say….. But I asked, "what does that mean?" He simply responded, "it's going away ". Now, I don't know how to ask the same question twice with that kind of uninformed, casual, and repetitive answer and I don't even know how to ask it differently. Still stunned, shocked, curious, feeling embarrassed, and other unnamed emotions coursing through my body while my brain went into and neutralized in freeze mode, I laid there gapped and uncomfortable.
So we completed the exam, I left the office mad and reeling. Mad at him for telling me this, for being a man who couldn't do better, being a man doing this work and not trying harder, for being a man doing this work and being ignorant of me as a woman, and mad at myself for not insisting that he do better, try harder and be less ignorant and casual when delivering this type of news to this woman, me. Reeling because I just found out that something significant was happening to me and I didn't even know how to think about it, address it, understand what it meant, and here I am this grown ass woman without a clue. So as I went home with my mind pre-occupied with this new piece of information, I wondered who I could tell, who I could talk to. My mother passed away, so I couldn't go to her. And quite frankly, I didn't want anyone to know of my ignorance, embarrassment for my ignorance and my cervix "going away".
What I remember most though is this overwhelming sadness. Sadness that I was losing something. Sadness that my womanhood was now being redefined in a way that made me feel like I was lesser than the woman I was before I went into that office. Sadness that my body was doing something I didn't give it permission to do and it never prompted me or asked permission and was doing it anyway. Sadness because of all the women in my life who knew this was going to happen, no one told me this was coming, what to prepare for, how to prepare for it and if it could even be prepared for. I was sad my mother was gone. And even though I knew I didn't want and would never have more children, I was sad because I no longer could reproduce. The ability was gone from me.
The tears fell and fell and my heart was squeezed by grief. I never realized that I would feel such a profound sense of pain and loss. But I did. And I kept it to myself. When I looked in the mirror, I felt like there were shadows in my eyes. And it seemed I came face-to-face with the mortality of my womanhood. That very part of me which I had spent years nurturing, enjoying, celebrating and taking for granted.
Now this depiction may sound overly dramatic, but it was my experience. And I share it in all of its graphic details because I came to understand the importance of women speaking with one another about the reality of this phase of life. How it may present itself, what we may or may not feel, and how we live in this time of life. In future posts, I will talk more about coming through it.
In future posts I will talk more about coming through it. For now I will say "My Cervix isn't gone, and though not fully closed, she is closing. And I know one day in the probably not too distant future, this irreversible process will have reached completion. However, She remains healthy, whole, and has done what God has commissioned her to do. And she is progressing in a natural way to her natural place.
Me? I am now back to nurturing, enjoying, celebrating and appreciating every aspect of my ever-alive ever-present womanhood.