Now, I would be lying if I were to say that my In The Fire experience has been all about growth, evolution, and enlightenment. Not only would it be a lie, but it would be bold faced one. It would also be deception and a fallacy to depict this time as one of me inadvertently but nevertheless victoriously struggling and straining towards goodness, rebirth and/or newness. And it would be a crime against everything that is true and right to portray this road I have been on as being my preordained path to illumination with me ultimately emerging as a spiritually transformed creature.

In my previous The Still Small Voice, and Cleansing, In The Fire writings, I have shared how my life has been changed and understood by me during this process. And while doing so, I have tried to sufficiently describe the pain and hurt I endured so that my readers could understand, visualize, and imagine how hard this has been. In this regard, there is no need to reiterate what has already been spoken as it will not enhance this content. My hope and prayer is that these, my lessons and blessings will serve to enhance and elevate the quality of my life moving forward.

But at this time, I am compelled and want to share with you another truth that is a truth worth noting, telling, and needing to be told as it bears witness to everything that happened In The Fire.

Positive platitudes, rainbows and shooting stars lighting across the sky, and follow-the-yellow-bricked-skipping-down-the-road-to-recovery be damned. In the language of for real for real, there were times while I was In The Fire that I felt and acted like, a real live “and I don’t care who knows it”, witch-bitch. I was so pissed-off with everything and everybody. Not because of anything they had done, but because of the circumstances that I found myself in. Snappy. Irritable. Impatient. Ungrateful. And unforgiving. Anger personified and electrified. Helpless, hopeless, and as mad as helpless and as hopeless as I could be. High-mindedly mad because this had happened to me and not somebody more deserving. Oh yes, I called out God and His angels. I didn’t curse Him but I sure as hell was disrespectful. And I didn’t cross the proverbial line, but I damned sure kicked at it. No immediate response to my prayers of fix this right now and make it go away, relief not showing up, alone, angry, bitter, and frustrated. No angel in me!! Sitting with a raging fire down and all up in and through me, talking to me, coaxing, and courting all of my craziness. Pissed the fuck off to the enth degree. Rude and sullen. And unapologetically unappreciative. Saying and thinking every damnable thing that my mind and vocabulary could conjure up.

It wasn’t something I contended with every day or with every interaction and probably not as often as I remember. Nevertheless, for whenever and for however long, this ugly, selfish rage entertained itself inside of me - seething, stewing, eating up, and giving permission to all kinds of nastiness. Both internally and externally. And although I and maybe others might say/think that, under the circumstances some of this was to be expected. Or maybe that I could/should give myself a pass for giving in to this behavior in the face of my duress and distress. Or perhaps I could excuse myself for being human and leave it at that.

And so while this line of reasoning may be valid, and to some degree, legitimate, I have to acknowledge that good reason aside, there were times when I embodied and embraced a whole lot of ugliness. Towards both myself and others. Apologies have been given and more to go.

I share this, not to tear my own ass up as a means of self-humiliation or as a sign of martyrdom, but to speak about the Truth In The Fire. Good stuff came out. But I also wrestled with and was subdued by some other realities that were borne of and within the fire. Not always nice, neat, and smartly wrapped. But sometimes wrinkled, crinkled, and crazed, dingy, dusty, and dirty, and nasty, naughty, and vulgar.

Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments. I would love to hear from you